I'm literally shaking right now

Goddamn you.  Goddamn you for making me trust you with my emotions.  Goddamn you for thinking it was okay to string me along while you were getting close enough to someone else that you fucking proposed to her.  You told me you weren't ready to be in a relationship, that you couldn't handle it.  When I asked if there was someone else, you said there wasn't, that you had been cheated on and it's a shitty feeling.  That was three months ago.  I know you've known her for more than three months.  Don't think I can't find something out.  It's the fucking internet, don't be a fucking fool, you asshole.  And when you post pictures of the ring and exclamations of acceptance on Twitter of all fucking places, I'm going to find it.  I'm a smart girl.  I know how to find out the truth.  You're not the first person to end it with me on a social networking site, so maybe you should try to be a little more unique next time, huh?  You're thirty, you can handle that I'm sure.  I mean, you can handle a double life and all, so why not creativity?

What hurts the most is that, two nights ago, we talked like nothing was going on.  We've both been busy lately and haven't talked regularly in like three weeks, but that stuff happens.  It does.  But I felt like maybe we were possibly getting back into the groove, and I hoped this week we'd be back to old times.  Apparently that wasn't on your agenda, because while I was sending you dirty text messages and pictures, you were buying an engagement ring for some woman I never knew existed.  That's so romantic of you.

Listen, your fiancee will know about me.  I will send her every text, every instant message, every picture you've ever sent me.  I'll tell her all about how you swore there was no one else, how you told me I could trust you.  I'm sure she'd love to hear about it, and because you hurt me, I'm more than willing to hurt you.  Seriously.  You don't even need to dare me, I already have a plan of attack.

If I get accepted to grad school in your hometown, I will go, and I hope you see me everyday.  I hope I remind you of just how shitty you are.  Someone needs to.  You can't have your cake and eat it too, and you're no different than the other men who've deceived a woman.  You guys never win.  I'll make damn sure of that.

Oh good jesus

I just sent in my grad school application.  I also sent my FAFSA.  This morning I mailed my formal letter, as well as my transcript requests to my two undergraduate institutions.

Needless to say, I'm kinda freaking out right now.

I'm not a religious girl, but some part of me likes to hope there's some god or goddess or even my Papa Joe looking down on me and listening to my concerns.  So I said a little prayer as I dropped my letter into the mailbox.  The USPS mailbox, not my parents', so I wouldn't be able to retrieve it.

I'm worried I'm too stupid (and I hate that word).  I'm worried they'll laugh at me.  I'm worried I'm already too late for the spring semester.  I'm worried the prerequisites will get in the way and they'll stamp one of those NO stamps in red across my name.  I'm worried I used the wrong font.  I'm worried the white paper isn't white enough, and the black ink isn't black enough.  I'm worried I'll bomb the MAT, because there is nothing online to tell you what you should get or what colleges expect.  I'm worried all these worries are holding me back, but I'm worried about being optimistic if I get rejected.

I've privatized my Facebook so you can't even Google me and find it, and locked my Twitter so no one but my followers can read it.  My Tumblr and this blog don't have my name associated with them, at least publicly.  Unfortunately, my flickr is still public, but the most of me you see on it is my legs and feet from packing last summer.  I may like the naked pictures, but until I have a decent fake name to use, they're not meeting the internet.

My parents and brother still don't know about it.  If they do, they haven't let on, and they're not very good at lying.  As horrible as this sounds, I've gotten much better.

I bought a litmag and Dead Poet's Society today, so I think I should go study for the MAT more and indulge in one of those.  I'm having other anxiety too (boys are just so confusing...my thirteen-year-old self agrees), but I can't do anything about that.

Whoever reads this, please help me out with some positive thoughts.  I've been pushing myself to have those lately, as they don't come naturally, and I'm hoping they help me.  And, Papa Joe, if you're still listening, help your little girl out.

Edward Hopper's The Automat

Time to move on

I really should be studying for the MAT right now.  I'm serious.  I have to take it June 1 and there are numerous tests in the back of the book.

But I don't feel like it.  I will.  I promise.  Maybe.  Seriously, what else am I gonna do while the boys aren't calling?

I still am a little disappointed that I didn't win the Four Corners Store contest, even though it was random.  Boo.  I could have used some new film or a sweet new Russian toy camera.  I really do need some film though.

I have a debit card and a credit card on their way and, while my money has been redeposited into my account, I have no means of buying anything.  I guess this is a great time to learn how to use my parents' super fancy digital SLR, but I feel like I'm cheating on my toys with it.  Holga and Wide and Slim, I'm sorry, I do love you, but you're really expensive to maintain.

I really would like to go explore and photograph this weekend.  I'm not sure if anyone's reading this, but if there are any ideas out there for a short road trip in order to satisfy my aesthetic needs, I'm open.  Also if anyone would like to join.

Okay really, I need to study.  Analogies are harder than they used to be.

(that's mine, by the way.  an iPhone picture.)

This is what happens when someone takes advantage of you

Bad dreams
Can't sleep
Don't want to eat
Bounced checks
Overdraft fees
No money
No debit card
Might affect my credit
Depression
Anxiety...even more than usual
Stress
Tears
Temporary relief that returns to anxiety in the morning

A small list

If there's one thing I hate, it's being ignored.

If there's two, it's being ignored and being reminded of my unintentional celibacy.

Thanks Wednesday. Go away now.

It Feels Good

Check out that sexy to-do list.  I decided to finally write things down, and within the last 24 hours I've accomplished four things.  While I'm still having anxiety and mini panic attacks, at least they're well-organized and listed according to priority.

That's kinda nice.

Steven told me he believes in me.  I've never heard that before.  It feels really good.





I'm still trying, I'm still getting out there, I'm still hoping.

I'm awful at math

6: administrators and faculty who know my name at the grad school
3: family members I've successfully pissed off today
1: parties I forgot to go to
9: books I bought today
4: former friends I said I'd keep in touch with after seeing them again
7: months until I can leave--should I be admitted to grad school
2: tickets being sold on Craigslist this week
48: hours I should sleep
200.1: calories burned on the treadmill
1: meal eaten today
0: people who will read this

Ugh I'm just so, so done.  I hope for my future and my happiness I get into grad school and for once everything goes smoothly (highly unlikely, given my experiences with applying to college), but if for whatever reason I am rejected, I'm leaving and forgetting my name.  I don't think anyone wants me to be associated with it anyway.

(source)

Here come the emotions

(source)

(source)

(source)

(mine)


There are a lot of secrets being kept right now.  Secrets about my future, about the futures of my friends, about money and about intentions.  I've never been one to keep my mouth shut; in fact, I've loved gossip since I could talk and I always feel the need to share whatever information I have.  I need the approval: "That is fantastic news!" or "I can't believe you heard that!"  Just knowing that someone listened to what I said was enough to make me feel happy and included.

I'm applying to grad school for the spring 2011 semester at the University of West Florida.  I'm incredibly fucking frightened and excited all at once.  My brain keeps telling me I'll never get in, I'm not smart enough, I didn't work hard enough (a 3.6 isn't what it used to be), what business do I have to go back to school?  I'm not telling my parents about it until I hear the results simply because at least one won't approve, but more likely they'll both think I'm throwing away money and time.  Neither went to college and did just fine, thankyouverymuch, so why don't I just get a real job in the government and work my way up?  I've heard the speech, I know the deal.  It's not like I'm worried they won't pay for it.  They didn't pay for my undergrad, so my hopes aren't being crushed or anything.

I chose UWF because of its price, its size and its offerings.  And for other reasons that are being kept secret (there's that word again).  If I get in, and I really, really want to, despite what my more pessimistic side believes, I want to study Public History with a certificate in historic preservation.  This is where my heart is, where my brain loves to be, what I've wanted to do since I was thirteen.  This is not a fleeting passion, nor a passing fad.  This is my soul, as weird and new age-y as that sounds.

I don't know how to be charming or convincing, and if someone believes I can't do something, I start to believe it too.  It's a mixture of low self-esteem and being told to blend in as a child.   I would love to be able to write a fabulous letter of intent and get in with my wit and smile alone, but unless someone tells me how to do that, I won't be able to.  I work hard and I don't believe in failure, but the other side of that is you can't fail if you never try.  I want to try, and I will, but what will happen if I'm rejected?  What do I do then?

I have already talked a friend into moving out to Pensacola with me.  She too is looking for a way out--don't get me wrong, I know what's truly going on in my life--and is all too happy to jump into my life with me.  We have been best friends for fourteen years, we have a secret language at times, and best of all, our mothers have no idea what's going on.  What they don't know can't worry them.

Right now, I'm feeling confused, excited, happy, scared, sick, and worried all at once.  I want and need help with this process.  I don't know anyone who has gone to grad school besides my cousin.  She attended Winthrop University, got a job there, and got accepted into the grad school as an employee.  That isn't the typical route.  My friends are entering this stage or shunning it, as I once thought I would.  I have no one to look for for help or advice, and if I tell too many people, my cover will be blown and I will be found out.

If anyone could help me I'd really appreciate it.  Any little bit of advice would outweigh all the doubt.