Goddammit

Are you really thinking of grad school again? Really? What are you running from, Emily? What makes you think things will be better if you go back to school? How will you afford it? How will you even get in?! Your old professor said they'd laugh at you and you're so afraid it's true, why would you ever try? Mom and Dad would think it's a joke and you're trying to convince everyone you're something you're not.


Just...just think it through. I know there's a manic streak running through your blood right now, but try to ride it out before you do anything drastic.

I miss using my Holga

I think it's time to go pick up some 120 film and head out into the unknown, or, as I like to call it, using my Holga.  I haven't used it successfully since October.

The only thing is, there is one place in Jacksonville that develops 120 film.  They're about 25 miles away and only open 9-5 Monday-Friday.  I work 8:30-5 Monday-Friday.  Balls.

I need to find somewhere online where I can send it until I move somewhere with an accommodating photo lab (such as the wonderful Bay Camera Co. on Habersham in Savannah--seriously the best camera people I've ever met).

So:

-film
-photo lab
-somewhere stimulating
-someone stimulating

I just don't get it

When I click "Next Blog," I always get Christians and mommies.  Does Blogger group this form of browsing by similar topics, or is it random?


Seriously, what the hell.

That picture has nothing to do with confusion, it's just what I feel like doing right now: falling asleep in my undies on my big bed.

[source]

I'm thinking at least a million by now

Waiting, waiting, waiting.  If I got paid by the hour to wait like I do to work, I'd be a millionaire by now.

My whole life I've waited for something better.  I never wanted to settle.  Wait for the better guy, the one you want.  Wait for that better job, you'll make more money.  Wait for the better computer, this one will be outdated in a month. Just wait.

This is all great in theory, but in practice I'm impulsive and physically cannot wait.  I dated guys who had no interest in anything but sex, and I'm hurt because I expected differently?  I took jobs as they came and had to leave the city I love because I no longer had money.  This computer was replaced with those shiny aluminum iMacs three weeks after I bought it.

And even now, I'm waiting.  I'm hoping for news on a job, and quietly socking away money and positivity until I hear.  I'm waiting on the boy every night--will he text me?  When will he have a weekend to get together?--and I go to bed sad and disappointed when he doesn't get in touch.  I wait for old friends to remember I exist, and new friends to discover me.

This is all very passive, and for someone who wants so much out of life, so much more than marriage and babies, it's a pretty shitty way of showing my strength.

Forgive yourself if you think you can...

...go to sleep, go to sleep a man

It's weird that things can change with one conversation.  That's all it takes sometimes.

I applied for about 4 more jobs tonight, all with seven locations within each job to take into consideration.  My name is out there, world.  Pick me, pick me!

I always wish someone would make me the subject of a painting like this

source

cut me some slack.

I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. And I don't think that love is here in this expensive suite in this lovely hotel in Paris.












It's been a rough day, so let me quote Sex and the City in peace and go to bed at 10:30.  Just let me.