Interstate 10

I've been on I-10 since 8 this morning. All I can think about is this interview at 4:30 and how I'm torn about it. On one hand, I'm driving out here so I must want it, and an art museum is my ideal job. But on the other hand, what if the pay sucks and I have to wait until January? And what if, secretly, I want to wait until January? Would that be so awful? Yes. No. Both.

I'm going to put it into fate's hands. I know my limits. I just want to see where I can go.

The Questions Continue

So I'm still having problems.  Do I really want to go to grad school?  Is this the right choice?  What if I fail?  I can't stay in Jacksonville--my job goes nowhere, I don't have any friends left here, much less any prospects for someone to sleep with (am I really asking for too much?  I don't want a boyfriend, for God's sake)--but my only option right now is to go to grad school.  In Pensacola.  The only person I know there isn't too fond of me, or, if he is, it's for completely the wrong reasons and even if my paranoid suspicions were false, that doesn't make me a priority in his life or anyone else's for that matter.  And you know, for what it's worth, what if my parents are right and I can't afford anything?  I've been through Savannah once and I can't do it again.  It wasn't fun, it wasn't anything but a learning experience, and I've learned my lesson, okay?  I get it.

I'm almost twenty-three and no one has faith in me.  I don't have faith in me.  I should've been able to do this already. I should've been doing this since my freshman year of college.  Why am I so hesitant?  Why am I so afraid?  I can't do this, unless someone has a bucket of money they'd like to throw my way.  That almost happened with undergrad...and unfortunately the worst of the worst happened.  I think I'm completing my karmic retribution by being so selfish my senior year of high school/freshman year of college, but it's not like I've learned anything.  I rush into things, I expect too much, I set myself up for failure, and I'm all alone each time.  Even if my parents are there, even if I know my neighbors, I'm all alone.  When will I learn?

Also, I obviously have lost my writing skills, and that's really shitty because I'm probably going to need those soon.

Also

Let's be frank here, because it's my blog and I make the rules.  It's been over a year since I last had sex and things are getting desperate and sad.  I don't know how it got like this and I don't know how to get out of it but things aren't looking up and there's only so much that can be done before I resort to hiring someone or spending gas money to visit a man I haven't had feelings for in a very long time, just to get the job done.

I had to get that out.  Things are rough is all I'm saying.  And not even in the fun way, because if that were the case I wouldn't be complaining.

headache headache headache headache

I'm so uninspired lately.  And I'm starting to doubt my choices and decisions.

Will anything really change ever?

Am I wrong here?

Is it wrong to try to extend a peace offering?  I'm not even the person in the wrong here.  So why am I asking for forgiveness?  Maybe it's because I want my underwear back--I spend a lot of money on those, and while I'm not exactly starving over here, it's the principle of the matter.  Maybe I still hope I was wrong.  No wait, there's no maybe there.  I really do hope I was wrong.  I doubt I was.  Maybe I just need a friend.  I think you shouldn't make people hate you in a city other than the one in which you live.  Especially if you're moving somewhere soon.  It messes up my energy and if I move to Pensacola with negative energy greeting me and Eleanor, I really don't stand a chance.  I just want peace.  That's it.

In other novelties, I remember a Saved By the Bell episode where Zack, my first and only love, declared world peace had broken out.  I don't think I believed him even when I was six, but because he's the only blonde man I could fall for, I guess love is both blind and deaf.

I've been physically ill for the last two weeks.  I'm sorry if that's unpleasant for you but it's unpleasant for me too.

I've been addicted to tumblr.  It's just so damn easy.

I have to wait four more days to hear about a possible job in my new home.  Wait--would it be a home?  Weird.  I think I throw that word around a lot.

Today in Pilates class I thought about how funny it would be if I ended up ditching my grad school plans and became a Pilates instructor.  Oh no, not funny.  Fucking insane is the better description.

My parents were watching Forty Days and Forty Nights tonight.  Multiply that by twelve and I believe you have my life.

My hair has been doing amazing things lately.

I would kiss someone for fried green tomatoes or La Nopalera right now.

I guess it's not really irony

So I told my parents my plans for grad school last night.  They didn't really freak out at all, which was surprising, given their opinions on school in general.  They were pretty supportive, and pretty much told me what I already knew--that I needed to find a job and a place to live before going there.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that, in the last week, I've learned I have to move to Pensacola in August instead of January.  This is a little bit of a shock.  This is also why I figured my parents would flip out, but miracles do happen apparently.  My anxiety kicked in last night and I started wondering if it was worth it, if I should even go out there at all or if I should just stick around here.  In case I don't find a job, I emailed UWF to see if deferment was available at all.  I can't live there and not have a job.  Unfortunately there isn't a trust fund waiting to bail me out.  My dead relatives were addicts and poor people.  We are generally not a wealthy family but what we lack in riches we make up for in dark humor and baking skills.

Anyway, I'm just waiting now.  I applied for jobs last night--honestly, how cool would it be to be a paint mixer at the Home Depot?  That sounds like a dream and I'm not joking--and I've begun looking for places to live.

Here we go.

I'm literally shaking right now

Goddamn you.  Goddamn you for making me trust you with my emotions.  Goddamn you for thinking it was okay to string me along while you were getting close enough to someone else that you fucking proposed to her.  You told me you weren't ready to be in a relationship, that you couldn't handle it.  When I asked if there was someone else, you said there wasn't, that you had been cheated on and it's a shitty feeling.  That was three months ago.  I know you've known her for more than three months.  Don't think I can't find something out.  It's the fucking internet, don't be a fucking fool, you asshole.  And when you post pictures of the ring and exclamations of acceptance on Twitter of all fucking places, I'm going to find it.  I'm a smart girl.  I know how to find out the truth.  You're not the first person to end it with me on a social networking site, so maybe you should try to be a little more unique next time, huh?  You're thirty, you can handle that I'm sure.  I mean, you can handle a double life and all, so why not creativity?

What hurts the most is that, two nights ago, we talked like nothing was going on.  We've both been busy lately and haven't talked regularly in like three weeks, but that stuff happens.  It does.  But I felt like maybe we were possibly getting back into the groove, and I hoped this week we'd be back to old times.  Apparently that wasn't on your agenda, because while I was sending you dirty text messages and pictures, you were buying an engagement ring for some woman I never knew existed.  That's so romantic of you.

Listen, your fiancee will know about me.  I will send her every text, every instant message, every picture you've ever sent me.  I'll tell her all about how you swore there was no one else, how you told me I could trust you.  I'm sure she'd love to hear about it, and because you hurt me, I'm more than willing to hurt you.  Seriously.  You don't even need to dare me, I already have a plan of attack.

If I get accepted to grad school in your hometown, I will go, and I hope you see me everyday.  I hope I remind you of just how shitty you are.  Someone needs to.  You can't have your cake and eat it too, and you're no different than the other men who've deceived a woman.  You guys never win.  I'll make damn sure of that.