So I'm still having problems. Do I really want to go to grad school? Is this the right choice? What if I fail? I can't stay in Jacksonville--my job goes nowhere, I don't have any friends left here, much less any prospects for someone to sleep with (am I really asking for too much? I don't want a boyfriend, for God's sake)--but my only option right now is to go to grad school. In Pensacola. The only person I know there isn't too fond of me, or, if he is, it's for completely the wrong reasons and even if my paranoid suspicions were false, that doesn't make me a priority in his life or anyone else's for that matter. And you know, for what it's worth, what if my parents are right and I can't afford anything? I've been through Savannah once and I can't do it again. It wasn't fun, it wasn't anything but a learning experience, and I've learned my lesson, okay? I get it.
I'm almost twenty-three and no one has faith in me. I don't have faith in me. I should've been able to do this already. I should've been doing this since my freshman year of college. Why am I so hesitant? Why am I so afraid? I can't do this, unless someone has a bucket of money they'd like to throw my way. That almost happened with undergrad...and unfortunately the worst of the worst happened. I think I'm completing my karmic retribution by being so selfish my senior year of high school/freshman year of college, but it's not like I've learned anything. I rush into things, I expect too much, I set myself up for failure, and I'm all alone each time. Even if my parents are there, even if I know my neighbors, I'm all alone. When will I learn?
Also, I obviously have lost my writing skills, and that's really shitty because I'm probably going to need those soon.
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