Let's just start with the basics. I have been dating someone for three weeks, almost a month. Things moved really fast. We were exclusive within three days; official in five; he met my family on the seventh. This is something a relationship person does, not something a commitment-phobe is open to. But apparently I give in to peer pressure rather easily. At first I was really excited (remember when I talked about wanting one so badly?), but now? Now I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about anything.
This is so teenage angst of me I can't stand it. I've never had a boyfriend, so this is something I should've gotten out of my system ten years ago. But I didn't, so it's pouring out now. Basically, I compared being in a relationship to buying something on eBay: it's great when I find that listing and make the bid. I want it. I think of all the fun I'll have with it. But as soon as the clock starts ticking and then I win, I immediately regret it. I don't have room for it, or it's too much money. It's an inconvenience. I want my old life back.
This leads to me being a bitch for no reason.
Anyway, so I'm dating someone. I don't plan on marrying him. I don't want to get married. I don't want to have kids. We're dating. That's it.
Onto bigger things: I'm still not sure what the fuck it is I'm doing with my life. I'm here in Jacksonville, working at my dead-end job, dreaming about bigger things. I'm definitely a grass-is-greener person, so when I think of other places--Athens! Charleston! DC!--they're perfect. They're beautiful. My life would be completely wonderful if I just had the opportunity to leave. But once again, in reality, they're a bit too eBay as well. I also have defined myself a failure as of late:
- Savannah - Failed!
- Grad school - Failed!
- New job - Failed!
I can't get past it. I know each new beginning is fresh, but it doesn't matter. People are beginning to tire of my dreams and ideas. Every week it's something new, and nothing ever pans out. I'm left here, day after day, watching Mad Men, texting like a fiend, and thinking "what if?" endlessly. I don't want to stay at this job. There's no future and I'll have to work there for at least another five years to even make enough money to move out on my own. Why am I not jumping at the chance to do something new? Why? I'll make enough money to do what I want, I'll still be in town, why can't I just suck it up for a few more years and do it?
Because I'm tired of sucking it up. I'm tired of taking jobs just because they're there, just because someone wants me to. Where have I gotten? I have a degree. I graduated with honors. I have five years of experience, including managerial experience. I am making $11.50 an hour doing the work of a robot. And even if I took the job I was offered today, I'd be making $17.00 an hour doing the work of a slightly more intelligent robot. When do I get to do something I want to do?
I consulted Steven while having this little meltdown because, if there's anyone who can verbally slap the shit out of me, it's him. He told me that if I already hate the idea of the job (proofreading mortgage loans), I'm going to hate it more once I start. Things don't get better. And should I follow my dreams, whatever they are? He says yes. These were his three questions regarding any plans of moving, especially to DC:
- Do you want to move?
- Is there a solid job opportunity where you want to go that's at least as good as one you could get at home?
- Can you afford it?
Beyond that, I'm overthinking.
Emily. Take a risk. Stop thinking you're going to fail. You've learned so much in the past year. Yes, you're still in Jacksonville; yes, you still live with your parents; yes, you're just as confused as you were. But you know what? Everyone does this. You are not your mother. You are not married and pregnant at 23. You are making your own decisions, you are listening to your own heart, you are responsible only for yourself. Fuck your parents, fuck your brother, fuck your boyfriend, fuck your friends. Stop using them as excuses to feel bad. This is it. In ten years you will be 33 and you will regret not going for it. You do not want to be 33 and still processing payments. You want to be someone, you want to do something. If that takes three years of living in DC, so what? Is that so awful? You love it there. It has seasons. And when you're done, you'll be making buckets of money and you can go wherever you want. While you're there, you'll travel. You'll see old friends. You'll sleep with men and you'll drink with women. Why is this so hard for you to do? Why are you so scared? Why can't you just face your fears, take a shot and march on? Why be such a hardass up front if you won't follow through?
Just do it. There's no other option. Just go.
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