Oh hey there.

Wow.  It's been about ten months since I was last on here, and frankly, it's really hard to read.  Apparently last year was a dark part of my life and I'm only now realizing it.  Let's get us all up to speed.

That boy I was dating in the last post?  We're still together, ten months later.  We exchanged I Love Yous in September and moved in together in January.  It's been an interesting five months.  Well, some of the months were trying, especially because he was unemployed for four of them, but we persevered.  We had our breakdowns (mostly I did).  We've made our plans.  And honestly?  Honestly, right now, right this moment, I couldn't be happier about anything.  I love him so much it scares me.  And I am okay with that.

The job at which I was stuck?  I left it at the beginning of December.  I was offered a job right outside of Washington, D.C., in October, so I finished up here and started there before Christmas.  Thankfully, the boy was willing to leave his life for a new one with me.  I've been here in the office since January 3, and it was a tough winter, I'm not going to lie.  It was only about three weeks ago that I started to feel like I lived here, instead of living in Florida still and just working and sleeping here.  But for a Southern girl, it's hard to feel welcome when you can't feel your fingers.

As for friends, you learn who they are when you move 800 miles away.  I'm returning to Florida for the first time since I left and I won't see a lot of people.  And that's fine with me.  Since moving up here, I've reconnected with old friends and made some new ones.  To be fair though, I spend the majority of my time, outside work, with my boyfriend, and that makes me very happy.  I know that's disgusting.

We are also planning on getting married and having beautiful, big-headed babies, sometime in the near future. 

It's a hell of a difference a few months makes.  You don't realize that immediately, but hindsight reveals all.

Can I talk my shit again?

I couldn't think of a better title for this.  I'm talking shit, I'm doing it again, and because it's my blog, I'm allowed to do this.

Let's just start with the basics.  I have been dating someone for three weeks, almost a month.  Things moved really fast.  We were exclusive within three days; official in five; he met my family on the seventh.  This is something a relationship person does, not something a commitment-phobe is open to.  But apparently I give in to peer pressure rather easily.  At first I was really excited (remember when I talked about wanting one so badly?), but now?  Now I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about anything.

This is so teenage angst of me I can't stand it.  I've never had a boyfriend, so this is something I should've gotten out of my system ten years ago.  But I didn't, so it's pouring out now.  Basically, I compared being in a relationship to buying something on eBay: it's great when I find that listing and make the bid.  I want it.  I think of all the fun I'll have with it.  But as soon as the clock starts ticking and then I win, I immediately regret it.  I don't have room for it, or it's too much money.  It's an inconvenience.  I want my old life back.

This leads to me being a bitch for no reason.

Anyway, so I'm dating someone.  I don't plan on marrying him.  I don't want to get married.  I don't want to have kids.  We're dating.  That's it.

Onto bigger things:  I'm still not sure what the fuck it is I'm doing with my life.  I'm here in Jacksonville, working at my dead-end job, dreaming about bigger things.  I'm definitely a grass-is-greener person, so when I think of other places--Athens!  Charleston!  DC!--they're perfect.  They're beautiful.  My life would be completely wonderful if I just had the opportunity to leave.  But once again, in reality, they're a bit too eBay as well.  I also have defined myself a failure as of late:

• Savannah - Failed!
• Grad school - Failed!
• New job - Failed!

I can't get past it.  I know each new beginning is fresh, but it doesn't matter.  People are beginning to tire of my dreams and ideas.  Every week it's something new, and nothing ever pans out.  I'm left here, day after day, watching Mad Men, texting like a fiend, and thinking "what if?" endlessly.  I don't want to stay at this job.  There's no future and I'll have to work there for at least another five years to even make enough money to move out on my own.  Why am I not jumping at the chance to do something new?  Why?  I'll make enough money to do what I want, I'll still be in town, why can't I just suck it up for a few more years and do it?

Because I'm tired of sucking it up.  I'm tired of taking jobs just because they're there, just because someone wants me to.  Where have I gotten?  I have a degree.  I graduated with honors.  I have five years of experience, including managerial experience.  I am making $11.50 an hour doing the work of a robot.  And even if I took the job I was offered today, I'd be making $17.00 an hour doing the work of a slightly more intelligent robot.  When do I get to do something I want to do?

I consulted Steven while having this little meltdown because, if there's anyone who can verbally slap the shit out of me, it's him.  He told me that if I already hate the idea of the job (proofreading mortgage loans), I'm going to hate it more once I start.  Things don't get better.  And should I follow my dreams, whatever they are?   He says yes.  These were his three questions regarding any plans of moving, especially to DC:

1. Do you want to move?
2. Is there a solid job opportunity where you want to go that's at least as good as one you could get at home?
3. Can you afford it?

Beyond that, I'm overthinking.  

Emily.  Take a risk.  Stop thinking you're going to fail.  You've learned so much in the past year.  Yes, you're still in Jacksonville; yes, you still live with your parents; yes, you're just as confused as you were.  But you know what?  Everyone does this.  You are not your mother.  You are not married and pregnant at 23.  You are making your own decisions, you are listening to your own heart, you are responsible only for yourself.  Fuck your parents, fuck your brother, fuck your boyfriend, fuck your friends.  Stop using them as excuses to feel bad.  This is it.  In ten years you will be 33 and you will regret not going for it.  You do not want to be 33 and still processing payments.  You want to be someone, you want to do something.  If that takes three years of living in DC, so what?  Is that so awful?  You love it there.  It has seasons.  And when you're done, you'll be making buckets of money and you can go wherever you want.  While you're there, you'll travel.  You'll see old friends.  You'll sleep with men and you'll drink with women.  Why is this so hard for you to do?  Why are you so scared?  Why can't you just face your fears, take a shot and march on?  Why be such a hardass up front if you won't follow through?

Just do it.  There's no other option.  Just go.

Savannah

There was a poem I studied my last semester of college about a young girl attempting to murder her baby dolls, and one of the lines that always stuck with me was, "Have you ever wanted to give someone all your money?"

I didn't really understand it then. Today I went to Savannah with a couple friends and as we were walking through a square, carrying our beers and our touristy purchases, there was a peace protest going on. One person stood on each corner of the quintessential Savannah statue found in many of the squares. They didn't say anything, they each just stood with their posters suggesting peace.

There was a really old woman--like my grandma's age--standing on one corner in her twinset and slacks, holding a sign saying standing there would increase peace in plain block cut-out letters. And I wanted to give her all my money. Something about her tugged on my heart so heavily that I still remember exactly what she was wearing, though I don't remember the others. I wanted to make her happy, to solve her problems, to find out what drove her to protest in the square in the first place. They weren't looking for money, they weren't even looking for encouragement. All I could do was smile at her and hope she understood what I was trying to do.

I don't know what I'm trying to say with this. I don't know this woman, I'll probably never see her again, but something about her stuck with me and I had to get it out.

Shameless Self Promotion

I hate doing this, but whatever, I'm going to do it anyway.

I recently fell in love with thrifting and Goodwill in particular, and after a successful day today, I decided I needed to share what I bought with the world.  I think some people do this on YouTube--the New York Times story about it always pops up on my Google News--but I'd rather not be pictured and honestly I do not like my voice enough to share it with millions.  The written word will have to do.

http://i-told-you-so-emily.blogspot.com/

Anyway, check it out if you like good deals or if you hate them.  Comments of either variety are still comments.




PS, I'll eventually write again in here.  I just haven't had a whole lot going on lately and I'm trying to move forward while staying focused.  Harder than it seems.

This isn't drama.

This is the truth.

In the week since I last updated, nothing has happened.  I'm no further in the moving process than I was then.  I'm no closer to sex, scholarships, fitting into that small skirt or learning how to use my new camera.  People have come and gone, I've gotten paid, I've been reading, but nothing has moved forward.

I want change so badly I'm pushing it away without even knowing.

Interstate 10

I've been on I-10 since 8 this morning. All I can think about is this interview at 4:30 and how I'm torn about it. On one hand, I'm driving out here so I must want it, and an art museum is my ideal job. But on the other hand, what if the pay sucks and I have to wait until January? And what if, secretly, I want to wait until January? Would that be so awful? Yes. No. Both.

I'm going to put it into fate's hands. I know my limits. I just want to see where I can go.

The Questions Continue

So I'm still having problems.  Do I really want to go to grad school?  Is this the right choice?  What if I fail?  I can't stay in Jacksonville--my job goes nowhere, I don't have any friends left here, much less any prospects for someone to sleep with (am I really asking for too much?  I don't want a boyfriend, for God's sake)--but my only option right now is to go to grad school.  In Pensacola.  The only person I know there isn't too fond of me, or, if he is, it's for completely the wrong reasons and even if my paranoid suspicions were false, that doesn't make me a priority in his life or anyone else's for that matter.  And you know, for what it's worth, what if my parents are right and I can't afford anything?  I've been through Savannah once and I can't do it again.  It wasn't fun, it wasn't anything but a learning experience, and I've learned my lesson, okay?  I get it.

I'm almost twenty-three and no one has faith in me.  I don't have faith in me.  I should've been able to do this already. I should've been doing this since my freshman year of college.  Why am I so hesitant?  Why am I so afraid?  I can't do this, unless someone has a bucket of money they'd like to throw my way.  That almost happened with undergrad...and unfortunately the worst of the worst happened.  I think I'm completing my karmic retribution by being so selfish my senior year of high school/freshman year of college, but it's not like I've learned anything.  I rush into things, I expect too much, I set myself up for failure, and I'm all alone each time.  Even if my parents are there, even if I know my neighbors, I'm all alone.  When will I learn?

Also, I obviously have lost my writing skills, and that's really shitty because I'm probably going to need those soon.