Here come the emotions

(source)

(source)

(source)

(mine)


There are a lot of secrets being kept right now.  Secrets about my future, about the futures of my friends, about money and about intentions.  I've never been one to keep my mouth shut; in fact, I've loved gossip since I could talk and I always feel the need to share whatever information I have.  I need the approval: "That is fantastic news!" or "I can't believe you heard that!"  Just knowing that someone listened to what I said was enough to make me feel happy and included.

I'm applying to grad school for the spring 2011 semester at the University of West Florida.  I'm incredibly fucking frightened and excited all at once.  My brain keeps telling me I'll never get in, I'm not smart enough, I didn't work hard enough (a 3.6 isn't what it used to be), what business do I have to go back to school?  I'm not telling my parents about it until I hear the results simply because at least one won't approve, but more likely they'll both think I'm throwing away money and time.  Neither went to college and did just fine, thankyouverymuch, so why don't I just get a real job in the government and work my way up?  I've heard the speech, I know the deal.  It's not like I'm worried they won't pay for it.  They didn't pay for my undergrad, so my hopes aren't being crushed or anything.

I chose UWF because of its price, its size and its offerings.  And for other reasons that are being kept secret (there's that word again).  If I get in, and I really, really want to, despite what my more pessimistic side believes, I want to study Public History with a certificate in historic preservation.  This is where my heart is, where my brain loves to be, what I've wanted to do since I was thirteen.  This is not a fleeting passion, nor a passing fad.  This is my soul, as weird and new age-y as that sounds.

I don't know how to be charming or convincing, and if someone believes I can't do something, I start to believe it too.  It's a mixture of low self-esteem and being told to blend in as a child.   I would love to be able to write a fabulous letter of intent and get in with my wit and smile alone, but unless someone tells me how to do that, I won't be able to.  I work hard and I don't believe in failure, but the other side of that is you can't fail if you never try.  I want to try, and I will, but what will happen if I'm rejected?  What do I do then?

I have already talked a friend into moving out to Pensacola with me.  She too is looking for a way out--don't get me wrong, I know what's truly going on in my life--and is all too happy to jump into my life with me.  We have been best friends for fourteen years, we have a secret language at times, and best of all, our mothers have no idea what's going on.  What they don't know can't worry them.

Right now, I'm feeling confused, excited, happy, scared, sick, and worried all at once.  I want and need help with this process.  I don't know anyone who has gone to grad school besides my cousin.  She attended Winthrop University, got a job there, and got accepted into the grad school as an employee.  That isn't the typical route.  My friends are entering this stage or shunning it, as I once thought I would.  I have no one to look for for help or advice, and if I tell too many people, my cover will be blown and I will be found out.

If anyone could help me I'd really appreciate it.  Any little bit of advice would outweigh all the doubt.