Needless to say, I'm kinda freaking out right now.
I'm not a religious girl, but some part of me likes to hope there's some god or goddess or even my Papa Joe looking down on me and listening to my concerns. So I said a little prayer as I dropped my letter into the mailbox. The USPS mailbox, not my parents', so I wouldn't be able to retrieve it.
I'm worried I'm too stupid (and I hate that word). I'm worried they'll laugh at me. I'm worried I'm already too late for the spring semester. I'm worried the prerequisites will get in the way and they'll stamp one of those NO stamps in red across my name. I'm worried I used the wrong font. I'm worried the white paper isn't white enough, and the black ink isn't black enough. I'm worried I'll bomb the MAT, because there is nothing online to tell you what you should get or what colleges expect. I'm worried all these worries are holding me back, but I'm worried about being optimistic if I get rejected.
I've privatized my Facebook so you can't even Google me and find it, and locked my Twitter so no one but my followers can read it. My Tumblr and this blog don't have my name associated with them, at least publicly. Unfortunately, my flickr is still public, but the most of me you see on it is my legs and feet from packing last summer. I may like the naked pictures, but until I have a decent fake name to use, they're not meeting the internet.
My parents and brother still don't know about it. If they do, they haven't let on, and they're not very good at lying. As horrible as this sounds, I've gotten much better.
I bought a litmag and Dead Poet's Society today, so I think I should go study for the MAT more and indulge in one of those. I'm having other anxiety too (boys are just so confusing...my thirteen-year-old self agrees), but I can't do anything about that.
Whoever reads this, please help me out with some positive thoughts. I've been pushing myself to have those lately, as they don't come naturally, and I'm hoping they help me. And, Papa Joe, if you're still listening, help your little girl out.
Edward Hopper's The Automat
I'm not very good with positive thoughts, but here goes:
ReplyDeleteWhat's done is done, you know? You sound utterly prepared, and though I don't know you personally, I know the sound of someone who is being harsh with themselves. Don't freak out. It's good to be nervous because it shows that you care, but what can you do now to change any of it?
You're going to be fine. You've already completed half the battle which is taking the leap. :) Also, keep us posted.
Also, also, Dead Poet's Society is an excellent distraction. Way to remind yourself to go confidently in the direction of your dreams!
You know, you're in good company telling me what's done is done, haha. It seems to be the advice of everyone I've told.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading and commenting :) I'm not too good at the positive stuff either, as I'm sure you can tell haha. And maybe the movie choice will count toward some sort of karmic retribution? Who knows. But thanks again, I really did appreciate it and I always like reading your comments.